Yesterday marked one year from my beloved friend Amy's death.
It was a very difficult weekend, difficult week actually.
One year from the trip to the hospital because she had become so very weak.
One year from returning home with hospice in place.
One year from holding her hand, crying, and saying goodbye because her liver was failing.
One year of learning to do life without this friend who was daily a part of mine.
So many of these memories came flooding back last week in dreams, in moments of panic.
I didn't intend to write about it! At this one year anniversary the grief came in torrents like the rain that fell over the weekend. How could I share that? What does that say about my faith if this grief could be so strong?
Recently, a woman that I very much respect said we need to take care of ourselves. We can not help or support others if we do not take care of ourselves.
With this in mind, as I struggled through last week - my friends, there were so many times that my breath would catch, my heart would begin to pound, and I would call out in prayer to the Lord asking that He would calm me and give me peace. Oh how I cried to Him that my heart ached! - I finally told the Husband that I needed to just work quietly in the garden on Sunday. I needed the peace, the distraction from my sorrow. I believed this was the way to "take care of myself."
Remember how I said my tears came in torrents like the rain? So much for working in the garden for distraction! Oh the rain that fell Saturday night!
Instead of working in the garden on Sunday, the Husband and I planted, in the mud, a single rose bush in memory, and he allowed me to weep and pour out my hurt, without trying to fix it! God's work indeed! I had also met with a very precious friend for coffee Saturday morning. She too allowed me to share my sorrow in words and tears. She listened with such an understanding heart as she too deals with grief from her own painful loss. My friends, I believe these moments were perfectly orchestrated by God to allow me to release my sorrow and be comforted.
I needed to let the tears fall freely.
I woke this morning aware that God had, in His great compassion and love, provided me with exactly what I needed over the weekend.
God does not expect us to be sorrow free.
God says, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden (weary), and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
He says we can cast our burden on Him, He will sustain us! Psalm 55:22a
He has born our grief and carried our sorrows! Isaiah 53:4
In the day of trouble, I called upon God and He delivered me! And I shall glorify Him!! Psalm 50:15
So today I share my suffering. I share so that you too may know that God will meet you in your sorrow. He will hear your cry and provide exactly what you need. He will not turn away from you because your pain is too great. It can never be more than He can or has carried.
God does not measure our faith on whether or not we are sad and grieve. He says bring it to me and trust that I am big enough, mighty enough, compassionate enough to care for you in it.
I praise His name for God is good!!!